Posted in Culture, Relationships

A Year and counting…

Hi everybody, hope ye are all having a great week. This week, I’ll be discussing what I have learnt in my marriage so far. I have only been married for a year and a month, so I still have a lot to learn. But here are some of the things I have learnt so far…

  • Marriage is NOT always 50/50- Marriage is not always 50/50. Sometimes, it is 70/30, sometimes it is 60/40. There will be times, more often that none, when one partner will need to do more than the other in order to keep the relationship afloat. Sometimes, your partner just doesn’t have 50 to give. In cases like this, it is important that you pick up the slack. A perfect example is my pregnancy. If you have been following my posts, you would know that I had a terrible time and my husband had to step up greatly. He was doing things that I would normally have done as well as his duties in the household. The main thing is that the relationship was kept afloat. If he had done otherwise, our relationship probably wouldn’t be where it is. Pregnancy is an obvious one. How about a situation where one partner can’t give 50 percent because they are simply tired? If one waits for the other person to put in 50 all the time, things won’t get done. However, if each party gives in the best that they can in order to make the partnership work, the likelihood of things getting done are much higher. If the relationship is important to you, then you should go in with the mentality of wanting to put in the best you can everytime to make things work.

“And one of His signs is that He has created for you, spouses from amongst yourselves so that you might take comfort in them and He has placed between you, love and mercy. In this there is surely evidence (of the truth) for the people who carefully think.” (Quran 30, Verse 21)

  • Love takes work- In the beginning, there was love. Fiery passionate love. When I got married, things got busy really quickly for us. I went back to finish my postgrad in the UK a week after we got married. My husband went back to work. I fell pregnant while doing my postgrad and he fell into the role of the travelling – doting husband. We went from the honeymoon phase to ‘I need to catch a breath’ phase. As you can imagine, things were emotionally tiring for both of us during this time. However, I noticed that it was the little things that kept us going. It was the little things that we did for each other that kept the love going. It was the ‘I took out the bin because I know you hate taking bins out” or the “I bought you werthers because I know how much you love them”. It is the work that we both continue to consciously put in that filters our long days with love. It is the mentality of “what can I do to please my husband today” or “what can I do to please my wife today” that allows the love continue to grow.

happily ever after

Good men are for good women and good women are for good men.” (Quran 24, Verse 26)

  • You get what you put in: If you want an extraordinary husband, then you need to be an extraordinary wife. Just like everything in life, you get what you put in. A great man deserves a great wife and vice versa. We all want the best for ourselves but in order to get the best, you have to put it in your best. If you want a husband that goes the extra mile, you need to be a wife that will go that extra mile. You cannot expect breakfast in bed from a man who barely gets food when he comes home from work. A great man will continue to be a great man if he is supported and appreciated by a great woman and can even become a greater man and vice versa. Show your appreciation for your great man through your actions; saying I love you doesn’t always cut it.

 

  • Other relationships can affect your relationship: If you’re Nigerian like I am, then you know we come from a culture where you don’t just marry the man but you marry the family. Personally, I have always liked this aspect of our culture. I used to always say that I wanted my husband to be able to feel comfortable visiting my family without me having to be there and vice-versa. However, having these close-knit relationships means that arguments and differences can happen. I have found that situations, where a spouse has to deal with recurring differences between his/her partner and another close family member can impact the relationship. It can get tiring having to sort disputes and arguments especially when both sides feel they are in the right. Try not to put your spouse in a situation where he/she feels they have to choose between people that they care about; it can add pressure and stress which can then filter down into your relationship. As well as this, in trying to not take sides, it can cause the build up of walls in a marriage.

 

I’d love to hear your opinions. What have you learnt in your marriage or from others? Tell me in the comment section below.

 

Till next time

–  A

Posted in Empowerment, Motherhood

Who am I?

“Rest and self-care are so important. When you take time to replenish your spirit, it allows you to serve others from the overflow. You cannot serve from an empty vessel” – Eleanor Brownn. 

I am a mother and likewise a wife. But that’s definitely not all I am.

Recently, I found that I had to remind myself who I was as a person before I became a wife and a mother. Motherhood and ‘wife duties’ started to define the person that I was. Since becoming a mother, I spend my days taking care of my daughter and husband. My husband leaves for work in the morning and would get back in the evening. Of course, as his partner, it meant that I had to do everything that he couldn’t do while he was at work e.g cleaning, cooking e.t.c Aswell as this, I was trying to get a grasp on my new role as a mother.

For the first couple of weeks after my baby was born, as you’d expect, life was busy and it still is. I was trying to figure out this thing called ‘motherhood’. I was constantly tired due to sleepless nights and loooong days. My baby kept me busy 24/7. Regular ‘simple’ tasks took much longer due to baby interruptions. I looked forward to her daytime naps so I could get a little snooze myself or get another house chore ticked off my list. She was the most important thing in my life. My days revolved around her.

These two new major roles kept me busy. I was waking up tired and going to bed wrecked. I was putting everything into taking care of my home and my baby. I even started to challenge myself. For example, yesterday I had my baby showered, dressed and fed by 11 a.m, today I am going to try to get her ready by 10 a.m. I was starting to feel proud of my little achievements. Things were going great, I was starting to get a hang of things. But, it all came at a cost, at least that’s what it seemed like.

self-care-squad-2

My health was deteriorating. I still hadn’t healed properly from labour. I was barely eating because I just didn’t have the time. But yet I was breastfeeding exclusively. I was dehydrated and constipated, I didn’t seem to have time to drink water either (my lips had never been so dry). Each day was the same; take care of the home and look forward to my husband’s arrival from work. My goals were limited, my conversations were limited; I was a wife, I was a mother… That was it. I was taking care of everybody else but myself. And so I had to think “WHO AM I?” “WHAT EXCITES ME?”, “WHAT MAKES ME HAPPY?”, “WHAT DO I WANT FOR MYSELF?”

Don’t get me wrong, I absolutely love being a wife to my husband and a mother to my daughter. It is a major part of the person that I am but it is not all that I am and it is not all that I have to be. I love taking care of my family, it brings me great joy and a sense of fulfilment… but I also love to write, exercising, helping out in the community, teaching. All these things make me who I am, all these things take care of me.

So, if you’re like me and you find yourself losing focus on the person that you are or the person that you want to be, then try these 3 tips. They worked great for me.

  • Prioritise – I used time as an excuse, “I can’t take care of myself because I don’t have time to”. Make time! There is never enough time but you have to prioritise; your baby won’t remember that you gave her a late shower because you needed to eat.
  • Talk to your partner or loved ones (someone who was always aware of your goals) – My husband was always aware of my goals. So, when he noticed my lack of self-focus, he called me up on it.
  • Pick one thing- No matter how busy you get, try to do one thing for yourself each day that brings you closer to your goal. For me, it can be as little as a 30min workout (gotta get my body back). Remember, you should never be too tired to work on yourself. You’ll thank yourself for it.
  • Ask for help- I am still working on this one myself. If you’re anything like me, you might find this difficult. I have this mentality of “she’s my responsibility and I want to be the perfect parent”. You don’t have to be superwoman, don’t try to do it all by yourself especially if you don’t have to.  Let grandma help. Let her spend time with daddy while you take care of yourself. Your health will thank you for it and so will your baby.

You can’t pour from an empty jug. Take care of yourself. It takes a little more work, but you’ll thank yourself for it. I’m still tired most days, but I am happy.

Till next time

-A