Posted in Culture, Empowerment, Relationships

New you, New Wife?

Hi everybody, hope ye are all having a good week so far. My week started off well until I came across a certain scene in a Nigerian movie. This particular scene really annoyed me, I couldn’t stop thinking about it. So, as you do, I decided to talk about it.

My mother-in-law was watching a Nigerian movie and I happened to walk in on a scene in which a husband was explaining to his wife the reason behind him marrying another wife. Basically, this man married another wife because he felt his wife was not suitable for his new role. He had been elected to a certain position in the community and felt he needed a more learned woman by his side.

I can understand why he felt his wife might not be the most suitable candidate for his new position. His new role put him in the public eye and required him to interact with the public. If seen with him, she will be forced to speak English, which she was unable to. However, I’m not sure that marrying another wife is the solution. If his current wife is not holding it down the way he wants her to, then why can’t he support her to be the wife he wants her to be (assuming she wants to be that wife). Instead, he chose to marry another wife, forgetting that she didn’t speak English when he married her.

marital growth

I’m just tired of hearing about men marrying new wives because they refuse to support their wives to be better. Yes, the Islamic religion permits a man to marry more than one wife (This man wasn’t a Muslim btw). I am not disputing that. However, marrying another wife to replace another seems selfish to me, especially if the things she lacks can be achieved. These women have been through the worst with you, choosing to basically replace or dump her when you reach a certain milestone is just lazy and selfish. He was very happy being married to her until he was promoted to this new role, so why isn’t she good enough now.

I’ve heard so many silly reasons for men wanting to re-marry; ‘I want a younger wife’, ‘her body is not as toned as it used to be’. They forget that they are the reason her body isn’t toned, they forget that she was young when they got married.  If her body isn’t as toned as it used to be, encourage her to exercise. In fact, exercise with her and get rid of your belly. You don’t see women re-marrying because their husbands now have pot-bellies, so why is it okay for men to do it? Marriage shouldn’t be a ‘you’re good for this aspect of my life’ thing. The person you marry should be good for every aspect of your life. An example is Goodluck Jonathan and Patience (ex-president of Nigeria and his wife). Patience wasn’t as learned as her husband but she was still known as the First Lady of Nigeria (although, I do think he should have encouraged her to improve her English to save her from ridicule). I believe that marriage should be a loving partnership in which both partners support and encourage each other to be better. Your marriage should encourage your personal growth. Your partner should be your cheerleader.

That said, I’m not going to completely put this on men. As a person, it is your duty to improve yourself in any way that you can. At the end of the day, no one can care about you more than you care about yourself. In order to make sure that life doesn’t leave you behind, you need to continue to work on yourself. The woman in the movie took things into her own hands and started to learn English part-time. I didn’t stay to watch the rest of the movie but I wouldn’t be surprised if her husband came running back to her beaming with pride.

Till next time

-A

 

Posted in Empowerment

MY 25

This week, I turned 25!!! Alhamdulillah!

Like many of us, the age ’25’ has always been one that I looked forward to. A quarter of a century. It would be the year that I would truly be an adult, I used it as a landmark for several achievements, the main one being marriage; “By 25, I want to be settled and married”. I remember uttering those words so many times. I believed that at this age, I would have worked to achieve all that I wanted and be ready to settle down to start a family; I’d be a professional ______ , my career would be sorted and I’d be earning big coins.

So, turning 25, I couldn’t help but feel the pressure that I had set for myself. I thought about the things that I am yet to acquire. While thinking about that, I noticed that others are on a different wavelength. Social media can be both encouraging and discouraging. Everyone’s doing different things, taking different steps. Some have achieved things I am yet to achieve. Some are yet to achieve things I have achieved. Some people are building their families, some are building their careers, some are doing both and some are doing none. Their 25 looks different to mine.

25

Of course, it got me wondering about the current state of my life and whether or not the decisions that have brought me here were the right ones. Additionally, I started to unintentionally compare my current state to others-  this was when I had to stop myself. Comparison is generally not a problem for me. I learned at a young age not to compare myself to others. Like, Roosevelt said ‘comparison is the thief of joy’. However, due to the pressure I had already put on myself, I found myself comparing involuntary.

Please don’t get me wrong, there’s absolutely nothing wrong with setting goals and setting a timeframe for those goals- it keeps us focused. However, it is important to realise that things happen at the best time and that things happen to people at different times. There are many paths to success. Your path will differ from mine and vice versa. You planned to graduate at 19 but you didn’t, you hoped to become a mum at 25 and it didn’t happen; hope is not lost. We plan but He plans best. Embrace where you are in your life and continue to work towards where you want to be. Focus on your own blessings while you continue to strive.

What I envisioned for my 25 isn’t exactly what it looks like. I was somewhat right, I am married (Alhamdulillah) but I’m not completely settled in some other aspects of my life. For some people, it’s the other way around. Rather than questioning things and feeling sad about the things I am yet to achieve, I’m choosing to focus on what MY25 looks like. I am learning to accept and embrace MY25, my path.

Till next time

-A